Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The NOML Moustache Hall of Fame

Every day the McBone mailroom receives thousands of letters. Several hundred of them come from beleaguered fans wondering the same thing: whatever happened to the Northern Ohio Moustache League? Good question. Our answer? Nothing. And that's just the problem.

Indeed the NOML seemed to go on permanent vacation after the controversial conclusion of the 2006 Moustache Growing Championship. Nate Bowler, the reluctant winner, accepted his championship trophy only with the promise that he would have the chance to defend his tainted crown the following year. Jeff Bowler, meanwhile, went into hiding after his humiliating forfeit, and has not been seen in public since. Neither of the erstwhile contestants are reputed to be sporting moustaches currently, and the championship remains on hiatus.

Well, officials at the NOML's parent organization, McBone, Inc., want to assure everyone that the NOML is alive and kicking, and what better way to resuscitate the floundering league than by reviving one of its most popular institutions, the NOML Moustache Hall of Fame?

To commemorate the resurgence of the moustache in northern Ohio, we have nominated five candidates for induction to the hall. And here is where you come in, gentle McBoners, for it is you who will decide which moustache will be immortalized in 2008. You can vote right here.

Your nominees are:

Goose Gossage - The all-star relief pitcher is already a member of the Baseball Hall of Fame. Now the Goose tries to join an even more elite company in '08. (Note: Gossage's association with the vile New York Yankees will not be taken into consideration).

Wyatt Earp - The American lawman, gambler and saloon keeper most famous for the gunfight at O.K. Corral figures prominently in wild west lore. Accordingly, his moustache is the stuff of legend.

Hulk Hogan - While the professional wrestler has played both hero and villain in his long and storied career, his moustache has remained constant. Ever blonde, the coloring of his fu manchu is every bit as authentic as his sport.

Albert Einstein - While busy thinking up the theory of relativity and winning the Nobel Prize, Einstein still found the time to groom what is perhaps the finest moustache in all of modern science.

Friedrich Nietzsche - The philosopher/poet changed the course of western thinking forever. His moustache, like his writings, remains a critical influence.

Worthy candidates all, but the NOML Moustache Hall of Fame only has room for one. Whose portrait will hang among the original ten inductees? Think long and hard, McBoners, and choose the moustache you deem most worthy. Polls will close at midnight, July 31.

Thank you for your continuing support of the NOML.


Friday, March 09, 2007

Moustache of the Week

The NOML congratulates ueberphilosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, this week's NOML Moustache of the Week Award winner. Before driven mad and, eventually, to his grave by syphilis, Nietzsche contributed a body of philisophical work that continues to rank among the most influential in history. More impressively, his walrus moustache set the standard by which all future walruses would be judged. Congratulations, Nietzsche. The moustache community salutes you!

Friday, March 02, 2007

Moustache Times Interviews Nate Bowler, Part 2

Moustache Times: So, about your moustache...
Nate Bowler: Yeah, well, after the contest went up in flames, it all just felt like a big farce. The NOML, my moustache, everything. So...I...I...shaved it, just like that. I shaved it, I shaved it! Oh GOD, I shaved it!
MT: Please, take a minute.
NB: I just...I just...
MT: Do you think your moustache has a future.
NB: I don't know. Oh, I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional...
MT: Here, take my handkerchief.
NB: You're very kind, Don. And you have a lovely moustache. A pencil, right? With just a dab of Clubman wax?
MT: Truly, you're a connoiseur. How do you respond to the fans who forgive you, who say the moustache community needs someone like you?
NB: Well, Don, it just shows you what our fans are all about. Best fans in the world. They know that moustaches aren't just for guys who hang around playgrounds.
MT: Do you think that Jeff Bowler should be reinstated into the NOML?
NB: No.
MT: No?
NB: I mean, yes.
MT: Does the NOML have a future? Many are saying that Jeff Bowler's actions represent the death knell of what was once a great league...
NB: Indeed the most powerful moustache league in all of northern Ohio.
MT: And the only one.
NB: Yes. Listen, Don, the NOML is bigger than all of us. It will be here when Nate and Jeff Bowler are long gone.
MT: Or it could be gone tomorrow.
NB: Possibly.
MT: And your thoughts on a 2007 Championship?
NB: You never know, Don. You never know.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Nate Bowler Responds!

More than six months of mysterious silence have left many NOML fans disenchanted with this once reverend league. When the 2006 NOML Moustache Growing Championship ended in scandal, both competitors curiously absented themselves from a fan base that was in need of healing. While the NOML may have suffered irreparable damage, the Bowler brothers do seem to be taking the primary steps toward repairing their fallen reputations. Moustache Times reporter Don Flan recently sat down with Nate Bowler for an exclusive interview, in the NOML c0-founder's first public statement since early September. Editor's note: this is the first part of a two-part piece.

Moustache Times: First off, how are you feeling?
Nate Bowler: Fine, Don, fine. I'm doing much better, thank you.
MT: I think we can all agree that the 2006 NOML Moustache Growing Championship did not end as many may have hoped or expected.
NB: True. It's unfortunate. Often we wish we could change the past, but, of course, we can't. What's done is done. There's no going back. It's hard not to think about it, admittedly. Hard not to wish it.
MT: You are the 2006 NOML Moustache Growing Champion. Is it tainted?
NB: I worked hard for that title, but I would be lying if I said I'm not disappointed, disappointed in myself and my arch-rival, Jeff Bowler.
MT: Arch-rival and brother.
NB: That too, yes.
MT: And you had no idea that he was going to do what he did? You had no idea that he was going to shave his moustache, unannounced, and therefore bring inevitable scandal to the NOML?
NB: No idea, no. Honestly, I didn't even notice at first. I don't know if that is a testament to the quality and thickness of his moustache, or if I was too caught up in my own moustache growing.
MT: Why didn't you speak up at once? What made you, as many said at the time, turn your back on the NOML, your fans, and by some accounts, your own friends and family?
NB: I suppose you could say that the intensity got to me. With all the hype and pressure, put on me by both the media and myself, I suppose that I just couldn't face the moustache community after things played out the way they did.
MT: Do you regret that now? Is there a sense of shame?
NB: Most definitely. While Jeff Bowler shamed the contest, it was me, the winner, who carries certain responsibilites, who really let the fan base down. It was me who shamed the title, Don. Looking back, I should have held my award high. Of course, I never did receive my award, a six-pack of non-American macrobrewed beer. But that's beside the point. The NOML Moustache Growing Championship is nothing to sneeze at, even though it was the first year. If, God willing, the NOML, and indeed the world, can get past this, I vow never to take my fans, the NOML or my moustache for granted ever again.
MT: And speaking of which, I notice you are bare-lipping it these days. Where is your moustache?

Part two of this two-part interview will be posted tomorrow.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Moustache of the Week!

The NOML would like to congratulate Akron attorney and two-time grandfather Steve Fallis, this week's winner of the NOML Moustache of the Week award. Steve, a longtime moustache wearer, has also recently had surgery to relieve a decades-old feigned knee injury.


With the moustache growing championship long since past, and the NOML having banned Jeff Bowler for his shocking infractions of direct tournament rules, the past few months have a been a time for intense reflection for the fallen warrior.

The immense pressures of both the business and social world forced Jeff into a decision from which he has yet to recover. On that fateful day, when his razor removed all hopes of a moustache championship, it also crushed the dreams of many aspiring young moustache growers who looked up to Jeff Bowler as an icon and mentor.

Well J.B. has made a dramatic pitch to the NOML committee (yes he is a co-founder) and asked for reinstatement. What does this mean? Well nothing was clearly stated by Jeff, but remarks from his agent lead us to believe he is considering a challenge to Nate Bowler for a future event. "Jeff has fought long and hard to recover from what happened last fall. He is making progress and we believe he can compete again. Jeff has a great support system and I think this has allowed him to make enormous strides in a very short amount of time. We do not wish to make any formal committments or propose any competitions at this time, only that the NOML immediately reinstate Mr. Bowler. I have no other comments on this issue and we ask that you please respect his and his family's privacy."

Stay tuned for the revival of the NOML.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Moustache of the Week

The NOML congratulates our newest Moustache of the Week Award winner, Bob Dylan. Though the greatest songwriter in US history has sported many varieties of facial hair throughout his illustrious career, it is the moustache he has favored during his 21st century renaissance.

Be sure to buy Dylan's latest masterpiece, Modern Times, today:

Thank you for your continuing support of the NOML!

Jeff Bowler

Jeff Bowler

Nate Bowler

Nate Bowler

NOML Championship Kickoff 2006

NOML Championship Kickoff 2006
Contestants shake in agreement of official rules

New Razors. See official contest rules

New Razors.  See official contest rules
He isn't this much bigger than me. Optical Illusion!

Simultaneous Shave

Simultaneous Shave

Clean Shaven

Clean Shaven
Let the Championship begin!